Tuesday, April 18, 2017

Helpless and Loved


Made it through Spring Break and Justin's uncovered schedule. Made it through 4 days of a sick 2 year old. Made it through Easter. Made it through my due date....again.


Today I am 40 weeks and 2 days pregnant. The middle child is sick today and home from school. We tried to walk to the park and play for a few minutes just to let the 2 year old burn some energy since he is the only one who has any. But we didn't make it long. We stopped at 7-11 on the way home and got some cold drinks to get us through and now they are watching Daniel Tiger's "when you're sick" episode, because I am too tired to try to break up the fighting at the moment.
If nesting is a symptom of impending birth, baby girl missed her window. I have given up. I can clean and clean and prepare and an hour later it looks like I did nothing, my back is killing me, and I have lost the will to live.
So whatever. Things will be a mess when she gets here, but she may as well get used to it.
We did have a fun spring break, and I am glad she waited through it. We did the crazy zoo splash park, which was way too crowded, and dyed Easter egg at Noni and Papa's house.




Then we had an Easter egg hunt in their backyard.
We also had an Easter party at Grandma and Grandpa's house on Easter Sunday, and celebrated Daddy's birthday, which is coming up in a couple days.
But I think my favorite thing about spring break this year, was just hanging out and playing together at home. We did a lot of simple things like making Lego parachute men, balloon powered cars, and Lego man zip lines. Aquaman spent all day perfecting and experimenting with creating the Lego man's zip line apparatus as well as adjusting the angle of the line and was in absolute heaven, other than having to deal with Greystoke and The Dude messing up his projects every 5 minutes. There was a lot of that, Greystoke is exhausting to everyone lately, and especially Aquaman and his legos.

We took short walks and went to the park.

I enjoyed just watching them create and play together. That is one of the benefits of a big(ish) family. We don't have to go anywhere to have a good time. Which I guess I better get used to. I have always enjoyed getting out to the beach and the parks and going on adventures with my kids. But the past 2 years Aquaman has become so resistant to going just about anywhere, and trying to drag him and 3 other little ones out is going to start becoming impossible soon. I figured he has had a good school year, he has had a good attitude about school, he is exhausted....he earned a week to spend mostly at home.
Instead of Easter baskets from me, I got them a baby pool and slip n slide because....you just really can't beat a baby pool and slip n slide.
It was cooler than I thought it would be this week, and they didn't last long in the cold water, but luckily they could hop in the hot tub to warm up in between sessions.
Sometimes I really wish we had our own backyard and I could just let them go crazy, but we have the best of both worlds here really. All of our immediate neighbors like us and our kids and never complain. And we don't have to deal with the yard work.
And now, here we are. The boys went back to school yesterday. Aquaman cried for a while Sunday night, but bravely and calmly went without a fight the past 2 mornings, even this morning when The Dude got to stay home sick.
And my induction is scheduled for next Monday morning, the 24th, at 7 am, 8 days after my due date, which incidentally is just the same amount overdue that Aquaman was. It is good to have an end date in sight, and most days I feel ambivalent about it. I am terribly uncomfortable. My irritible uterus doesn't give me much break from its constant useless contractions. Baby girl feels big. And every time she moves it just....hurts my insides. I am tired. Some nights I still can't sleep. The housework is never ending and the stairs feel impossible.
But at the same time, I have had 2 great experiences with induction. No pitocin, just a morning of cervadil, broken water, and walking.  and there is something nice about its predictability, especially when you have 3 other kids to arrange for and a husband who may have a difficult time getting out of work. But God knows best. It is in His hands.
I feel bad sometimes wanting this pregnancy to be over so badly. Sort of ungrateful or something. After all, this pregnancy will most certainly be my last. Won't I miss it someday? I guess so, but I don't really think so. I have long enjoyed the end product of pregnancy, and the anticipation...but never the physical experience of it. It is a helpless feeling. It is a feeling that is probably very good for me, because I have been able to juggle a lot of things. I am a good multi tasker, God has blessed me with the capability and strength to care for my family, to be a helper to my husband without a great deal of difficulty.
But when I am pregnant, I come face to face with my weakness, with my mortality, with my need to be cared for myself.
I think a lot of women deal with this sort of insecurity, and I have fought it probably all of my life. This need to care for others and do for others, and if I can't, and if I need to be cared for, I have somehow failed.

This past winter I watched one of my clients at work struggle with this, and I don't know if she ever really came to accept it before she died, and it broke my heart, and also made me resolve to do things differently, to see things differently. She started saying she wanted to die because she was no use to anyone anymore. She felt that she was just a burden to everyone, hated having to be cared for, having to "bother people" for help. I reminded her that she was no less valuable of a human being when she could do nothing for herself than she was when she could take care of everyone else. I reminded her of all that she did for others, and that there are times in our lives when we have to be humble and step back and allow ourselves to be cared for.
But pride is a deceitful thing. Pride tries to convince us that it is somehow noble not to accept help from others, not to want it. That we can do everything ourselves.
I struggle with this pride, and I especially struggle with it when I am pregnant.
And the remedy for it? To remember that we are loved. And that our being loved has nothing to do with what we are capable of doing, and everything to do with our Creator, the great Lover of all mankind.
"He will cover you with his feathers,
    and under his wings you will find refuge;
    his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart."
Psalm 91:4
So for today I am just going to get through one more day. Knowing she can come tonight, but that she may not. Knowing that even though I feel like a beached whale, incapable of keeping up with the demands of life....God is looking down on me with mercy....not pity, not contempt....just pure Love because He made me. He made this little helpless girl inside of me who will someday very likely struggle with this same issue.
But I hope I can show her a better way, a more humble way. A more loved way.

1 comment:

  1. I'm praying Monday comes fast! I was never a good pregnant girl but a much better mom. And you are a wonderful mom☺

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