As usual I have this list in my head of things I should get done before she comes. Today I was going to pack my hospital bag. But I also wanted to spend some quiet time journaling and praying and reading my Bible because I have really been struggling to find the time to do that.
I also wanted to spend some time doing something Greystoke wanted to do, since we only have a few more days of just us on the big boys' school days. I needed to go to Wal-Mart for some last minute hospital bag items. And then I needed to eat something and vacuum the floor.
But this is my chance to write.
But the real struggle is just the constant nagging feeling that if I stop or even slow down everything is just going to spiral out of control. When I do take the time to stop, to choose to sit down, I have a very small set amount of time available to do it, and I have so much trouble slowing my head down. I feel like I need to be thinking and preparing for the next thing constantly, to make it easier, less crazy somehow.
But I refuse to allow Him to comfort me.
His comfort requires humility. Not just admitting that I can't do it, because I do that all the time. But just saying that doesn't really mean anything. It's a martyr plea for just a little more energy to do everything I think I have to do. But really accepting His comfort means laying down all of those things that I think are so important. Not restructuring, not prioritizing, but to totally "cease striving". To...in the words of a very popular song that my boys do not allow me to sing, especially at the top of my lungs....Let it Go.
They understood that part. They were satisfied with that part. They mostly allowed me to pray and kiss them goodnight after that with maybe only 20 more questions about completely irrelevant topics.
I will spend time thinking about everything You have done."
Psalm 77: 7, 12
I can hope, right?