Thursday, September 22, 2016

Breaking the Silence

It's been a while, life's hit a whole new crazy. And I'm not exactly sure where to start.
I guess I will go back around 6 weeks ago when I started feeling dizzy and having cramps.
I was pretty sure I ovulated 10 days earlier when I was finally night weaning Greystoke, so, suspicious, I peed on a stick.
It was negative.
So I waited for my period to come, and then figured that maybe I hadn't ovulated at all and my hormones were just being weird from weaning. Then 2 days later I wanted to take some ibuprofen for those annoying cramps so I took the other test that came in the 2 test box. It was a digital test, and it said yes.
This is the first time I have not believed a pregnancy test. I took it apart to see the actual test strip and saw 2 lines. So I took another one. And then....just to be sure...another one.
But maybe where I should really go back is to several months ago when I was having my quiet time, wrestling with this question again as I read my Bible. These words came to me out of nowhere, the same words Mary spoke when the angel came to her, and I said them out loud to God: "Be it done to me as You have said."
I think that meant that if God led me to I was willing to go the permanent route for birth control. But I know I also meant that what I wanted was God's will to be done, and not mine.
So maybe where I should really go back is to 3 years ago when I was pregnant with Greystoke and we were discussing whether this should be our last baby. Both of us felt the same way- we were tired, we were busy, our hands and our hearts were full. But neither of us could say with certainty that we knew that God was done building our family.
Before we got married I told JT I wanted 3 kids, and to be done by the time I was 35. Somehow or another that worked out perfectly for us.
But as The Dude randomly reminded me as we slid into the ocean a few days ago on a mom and son body boarding date: "Mom, God's plans are always better than our plans."
And so they are.
The night I got that positive test I wrote in dry erase marker on our bathroom mirror: "ready or not" and when JT saw it, I lifted my shirt where I had written: "here I come!" on my stomach.

3 days later I was at the ER with severe back pain, sure I was losing the baby already. They said the Hcg levels were low and that I should repeat them in a few days to be sure it was not an ectopic pregnancy.
The back pain went away in a few days. Apparently I am just old and pulled something. The Hcg levels went up, just like they were supposed to. At 7 weeks I saw my 4th baby on the screen, heart beating away. And I tear up just thinking about it because I don't know why. I don't know why it is so easy for me, so hard for my womb mate twin sister. I don't know why I have been given this enormous pleasure of raising 4 beautiful children. But I am so thankful.
Now here I am at 10.5 weeks, celebrating life I didn't know would ever exist, wondering how I am possibly going to do it all, and knowing that because of God's Grace it doesn't matter if I do.
He is enough.
I have been horrendously sick with this baby. Not like hyperemesis sick, but much sicker than my usual morning sickness. With my first I threw up a handful of times, with the Dude once, with Greystoke NONE despite all day and night nausea. With this one I have thrown up 5 times in one day. I have lost instead of gained weight so far. I pretty much hate food. I am taking medication at night which has helped a lot, and this week it was easing up quite a bit until today. Today was pretty awful. But despite some hairy moments over the trash can everything has stayed down so far. And I can probably break down and take my pill in about an hour (it makes me want to pass out). I can't go in the kitchen to try to cook dinner so the boys are eating apples and carrots and there is oatmeal cooking in the rice cooker...out in the garage.

I attribute all of this to being old and tired.
But with age comes perspective too. And with time the pace of life acclerates so exponentially that even these weeks of torturous morning sickness ( I hate to vomit people. I am pretty sure I had emetophobia growing up which I was partially cured from since having children and being conditioned by it, but then it came back with a vengeance after our last episode in which we all ended up in the ER...) have flown by at a dizzying speed...and they'll be over soon.
The kids have been extra sweet to me. The Dude will sometimes go and get things for me and say "it's ok mom, I'll get it, you have a baby in your tummy". When I am feeling particularly bad, he comes gently to me and asks how he can make me feel better.
Greystoke occasionally stands beside me while I am hanging over the trash cans because I imagined that sickening metal smell of our oven (I cannot go in the kitchen sometimes. I hate the oven), and asks if I am done yet. Or sometimes he just goes off and gets a book and waits it out.
Aquaman wants a red headed boy. If it's a girl, he wants to send her back. I am pretty much figuring on a boy anyway. I am so used to boys now that I am still drawn to their clothes, to the tiny blue clad babies. It's all I have known.
The boys don't love school, but the stress of last year has melted away. Mornings are crazy but mostly pleasant. School is too long for The Dude, and he hates the hot chaos of recess. Like his brother he is struggling with his writing, but his teacher is so sweet, and he is so sweet, and at night when he works on his homework with his mixture of random capitals and backwards letters, he smiles and says "that's pretty good, right?" And he is trying hard, so it is.
Every now and then Aquaman will bring up the nightmare of last year, how he hated being 7, but most of the time now he is back  to happy with broad smiles and lots to say about usually his high speed lego train.
He is so much more confident again. He told me with surprise a few weeks into school "mom, did you know I am actually one of the smartest kids in my class?" He actually thought he was stupid last year, He is reading at night of his own free will. In his spare time he quizzes himself on multiplication.
He still struggles with writing, and he finished his academic testing yesterday at the university. His OT suspected that he is about a year behind with his writing so I am curious to see what the testing shows and whether he will qualify for any assistance at school. He is doing so much better this year and really doesn't stress about it anymore (he says because this year's teacher doesn't say his mom won't like him anymore if he doesn't write like a girl). But the psychologist pointed out that the 3rd grade is really when the problems tend to come out so it is good to get a head start. She also did fill me in on one portion of the testing from yesterday....she tested him as far as he would go and then stopped at the 8th grade level. He is the king of asynchronous development. It's got to be frustrating.
Greystoke is still loving school. He is so cute pretty much 100% of the time, which means he gets away with a lot too. But every now and then he will do something absolutely crazy, like pick up one of those Lego train cars and throw it, just to see the show. And I am reminded that he is indeed a 2 year old.
And now I must go.
The oatmeal is ready and I need to choke it down.
There is one more day of the work and school week and then another glorious weekend will be upon us.
Every day the littlest one grows and every day I get closer to not wanting to be in bed the entire day.
And that is probably the best thing about pregnancy.
By the time this 1st trimester is over, feeling normal is just going to feel absolutely amazing.
Sorry for all the extra's been a while. I couldn't choose.I will caption them for fun,
At the inlet because....salt air is so much better than the smell of my kitchen.

The Dude got a fishing pole for his half birthday. As with all things he was thrilled with it for about 2 weeks and now could care less about it. 

Aquaman's birthday party

This is my happy happy boy and it makes me so happy to see that smile

Ready for his teddy bear parade at school

Aquaman and The Dude were showing off some cupcakes so Greystoke grabbed a container and jumped in the picture too. But he turned them upside down and Aquaman wasn't pleased.