Sunday, July 10, 2016

Motherhood in Summertime- Part Tired

 I'm not going to lie, it's been a long hot week.
Temperatures have hovered around 95 degrees, with the heat index about 10 degrees hotter. The house stays around 80, sometimes higher if the boys are in and out a lot. I am tired and hot and have a headache most of the time.
 There's more laundry than usual because there's more outside water play than usual, and that outside water play is never without its dirt.
 And these boys pretty much never stop eating. Which means whenever we are home I am pretty much making them food or cleaning it up (though I can never find all of the ways they hide it,. even though they are supposed to be eating at the table).
 While I am making the food and cleaning it up, I am also breaking up fights. And taking the little one to the potty. Or cleaning up his accidents when he doesn't quite make it to the potty.
 He is not sleeping well, and neither am I. He has been kind of "snorty" in his nose for a couple of weeks and not sleeping well. This morning he woke up with a wet cough, but he doesn't seem to have a cold. I don't see any teeth coming through. I guess maybe it is allergies. Combined with intensity of summer. Most of the time when he wakes up he is screaming something like: "That MINE!"
 It hasn't been a bad week, really, just a hard one.
I love my family so much. I love my job so much.
But right now, my head kind of just feels like it's going to explode.
 There are 1 million and 1 things to do, and even more to think about. There are learning curves with 2 new jobs, and the unpredictability, not to mention the the extreme heat of summertime.
 It is also emotionally confusing.
Because the thing is, I love having all the kids home. I love not running around to school, and the thought of school starting and the battles that will ensue, and the way my older son will change is just totally anxiety inducing. I really don't even want to think about it.
I am finally starting to feel like a good mother again. I am finally starting to see the soft side of him come out again.
 But I am also just so incredibly tired from being cooped up in a little house with everyone bouncing off the walls all the time. We are not a family of tame little girls. We are boys, boys with impulse control problems and unusual amounts of energy. And I am starting to feel old just from watching them whirl around me.
I am occasionally daydreaming about having my tubes tied just for the excuse to lay in bed for 2 days.
 I don't remember the last time I slept in without a child attached to me in some way. The last time I had an hour by myself besides when I am working.
I have been doing really much better at sneaking upstairs for 20 minutes in the morning and having time to journal and pray and read my Bible, and that has been so good for my soul. But it also sometimes just doesn't feel like enough.
 JT is working 9 days in a row currently so we can go to lifeguard competition later this week, and I am hopeful it will be a little less exhausting than the years past, since he is not in charge of it anymore. He will still compete in every event, I am sure, but at least he won't be coordinating everything.
 I told myself that today would be a rest day, but somehow after I dragged everyone to the beach, Greystoke refused to nap, I volunteered at the church nursery, made lunch, and dragged everyone to the library, it was late afternoon and the house was a disaster and there was a huge pile of laundry.
But if I waited to sit down until everything was done, I would never sit down, so sometimes I just have to give up. Greystoke is in my lap because he didn't take a nap and is a total disaster, and the other 2 are upstairs watching the Lego movie, and I am making oatmeal in the rice cooker for dinner. Yes oatmeal. I am tired.
 But I will probably have to drag them to the pool that feels uncomfortably like a hot tub as soon as we eat so they will get some of their endless energy out and go to bed before 10.
 Because tomorrow's Monday, and I'm working. The Tuesday, and I'm working, and then Wednesday and we are leaving to Siesta Key and maybe it will be just the break I am needing, though probably not from the heat.
 For all my complaining, I'm not ready for the summer to end.
 In between the eating, and the cleaning it up, and the laundry, and the fighting, there are trips to the inlet and the beach and swimming lessons. There is sight word fetch the ball games in the pool and sight word shoot the cup games, and building lego cars together.

 Building block towers and knocking them down.

 Writing letters in vanilla pudding.
 And getting some summer haircuts.
 I am not ready and to see The Dude start off to kindergarten. I didn't used to be so anxious about school, but now I see how school can change a kid, and it kind of scares me. I already have Aquaman to worry about, and The Dude is certainly nothing like Aquaman, but he is also certainly not like the little girls who sit quietly and learn at tables either. And I don't know how he's going to do.
 And Greystoke will be my youngest guy to start school. And Greystoke is so chill. He's so happy. He's never hot, he's always "just warm" if you ask him and he's one of those kids who is going to be fine. He is easy to love, easy to teach. But I will miss him.
 And maybe that's part of why I am so tired right now.
 Because I love these days. I love 2 year old messes and watching him learn, and 5 year old never-been-to-school-and-hasn't-realized-he's-anything-less-than-amazing-at-anything innocence, and a 7 year old boy whose heart has finally softened enough that when he got upset about something, for the first time I can remember in a long time yesterday his eyes filled with tears and he began to cry. Not rage, not slam doors, not punch anyone, just cry. And let me hug him and hold him. Because he got so hard last year that he stopped crying. And I know these days of letting himself be comforted by his mom are waning.

 I'm going to get back to it now. The final push, the hardest one, and also the best one, of dinner and bed time. The oatmeal everywhere, the clinging to my back in the pool, the clamoring for attention as I help JT with whatever computer work he's got tonight, and the jumping off their bunk beds when they are supposed to be listening to "Diary of a Wimpy Kid", which I am enjoying as much as they are.

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