|Aquaman is patiently teaching The Dude to read his Lego Ninjago book|
So JT and I had a couple hours to take a walk together, eat dinner and have whole conversations together (though we were both too tired to be terribly coherent). We alternated giving each other massages and told each other Happy Valentines day, and then I left him in bed because I've been wanting to write for a while. Needing to. Even though I have no idea what to say about anything.
Life marches on like a taunting metronome. No time to stop. Loss has not stopped my kids from needing to eat and dream and play and dirty their clothes.
I haven't felt like enough, like there is enough of me, or like I am doing enough of what I should. I couldn't be there to sit beside my sister on the couch for hours and cry for her babies with her.
But I couldn't be fully there for my own babies, who found me sometimes crying in the kitchen while I prepared their food. "God can do anything" The Dude has reminded me over and over again.
"I love you more than candy, Mom."
Which is pretty much the biggest compliment you can get from a 4 year old kid.
When I get just a few minutes to get something done around the house, I am paralyzed by the million things that need to be done. Thursday I chose to clean the kitchen. An hour later I picked up The Dude from school and made he and Greystoke lunch and the kitchen was completely destroyed again.
But he bought a card there from someone who made them. It had a heart sewn on it.
He saved it and gave it to me 4 months later for Valentine's Day.
We've talked a lot about how all he has to do at school is his best, and how he will never please everyone all of the time, and I think he understands it to some degree.
I still think that, though his teacher is a great a teacher, and especially a great beachside teacher (perfect for all the tiger moms), he just isn't a perfect fit for Aquaman.
Last year, Aquaman's teacher was a gentle and kind soul who went to our church. I still hope The Dude will have her next year.
But really....the school system and I have totally different goals for Aquaman's life and it's hard not to let that bother me.
They did say that one of their main focuses in this program is social emotional skills, and I know that will be good for it. His first day will be in 2 days....they are visiting an assisted living facility. I love that.
Because the pain is part of life just like the beauty, just like the really funny parts.