Friday, January 22, 2016

Walking in the Unknown

"And I will lead the blind in a way that they do not know, in paths that they have not known I will guide them. I will turn the darkness before them into light, the rough places into level ground. These are the things I do, and I do not forsake them." Isaiah 42:16
I just got home from a meeting with Aquaman's principal. Greystoke is sleeping. I have not made any progress in my spring cleaning this week. I haven't even tried. It's raining outside, a cold front coming in. There is tea brewing. And I've been reading verses over and over about dealing with discouragement.
The meeting with the principal was scheduled because the school still hadn't contacted me about scheduling a meeting with the intervention team, which they say has to be done before any testing can be done on Aquaman. So I got in contact with the principal yesterday, telling her I was still very concerned, and she asked me to have a meeting with her. I was hoping she'd have some ideas for ways we can help Aquaman in the meantime while we wait for the meeting, as she suggested she did.
She did finally at the end of the meeting halfheartedly come up with only doing 30 minutes of homework per night, and then sending a note to the teacher that this was all we could accomplish, done or not. That will hopefully be helpful.
She suggested that we get a private occupational therapy evaluation. Which will cost an arm and a leg.
But those seemed to be only meagre attempts to appease me at the end of the meeting. Her main suggestions: drop Aquaman off through the car loop so he won't "manipulate" me emotionally in the mornings.
He is never a problem walking in to school, so that one made no sense.
Her other one: She pull him out of class, sit him down and explain to him that he has to go to school, it's the law, and make him sign a contract! Ummm...seriously?! That will help a child who is already having emotional issues? Frankly, I am a little terrified to send him there tomorrow now.
I suppose this may be helpful to me at work. I have always heard parents tell me their woes about dealing with the schools with their special needs children at work, and though I believed them, I never grasped the way it makes you feel. The way it changes you. Quite honestly, I am struggling so much to keep myself together emotionally that it is hard to logically sift through the facts and not overreact.
I feel like this entire process has so far only been teachers and faculty patiently explaining to me that I am just not parenting correctly. Because they know so much about children, they must know more about what my child needs than I do. And I'm not going to say that I know everything, which is what makes it so hard. I just want real and personal advice, not blanket "with all children, A+B=C" answers. I know that in my heart and my head is not right.
I feel like he's an infant all over again. Crying for hours in his crib, and everyone is trying to tell me that he is manipulating me when I know that what he is really doing is asking for something that he needs. Maybe not physically, but on a different level. In hindsight now, I never would have done anything different, except maybe I would have held him even more like I do with Greystoke.

I want to be teachable, I really do. But it is so important to me that I am taught by God and not by man.
"If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you." James 1:5
I believe, I really and truly do, that wisdom is not something God hides from us forever. I believe that sometimes we can't see it because we are blinded by our own minds, or by the world's ideas. I also believe that sometimes he hides it from us temporarily so that we will seek Him more deeply. So that we will become more desperate, and so that we will be willing to follow Him no matter the cost.
But I know He has wisdom for us. I know he can soften the hearts of those whom he places in Aquaman's life to influence him.
Above all, it has become more and more clear to me that viewing Aquaman through the lens of his being manipulative, or his having a choice about the way he has been acting, only makes things worse. He blossoms under my believing in him. He flowers beautifully when I see him for who he could be and not who he is behaving like today. I know he has a beautiful heart in there. I know that, for whatever reason, he has a lot of deception growing inside of it right now, and that breaks my heart.
"But I know the plans that I have for Aquaman" declares the Lord. "Plans to prosper him and not to harm him. Plans to give him a hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11.
I know He has good plans for my boy. I know there are so many wonderful possibilities, and I can't wait to look back on this post someday with some of them in view.

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