Summer is almost over, and what's weird is...it went a little too fast this year.
I overheard him telling The Dude on his way home from camp one day: "It's good to be a little cautious, but if you are too cautious you will miss out on a lot in life."
I marveled as I listened to him say that. This is the boy who took 3 hours to get out of my lap at playdates when he was Greystoke's age. Caution was his middle name. He personifies bravery to me. He is scared of many many things, but every day he stares them in the face and moves forward anyway.
He also told me today on his way to the beach...."actually my favorite thing about rock climbing camp was just the camp atmosphere with all those kids to hang out with" (he was the youngest, up to age 13). This was the kid who sat by his teacher every day of kindergarten recess because he was intimidated by the other kids.
It is mesmerizing to watch your children mature.
And that doesn't mean I don't sometimes still ask why. But there have been many many moments I can look back on and feel the peace of giving God even the questions.
But not just that.
In those words I also heard His tears for me. Because He knew that I couldn't see, and He hurt for me in my hurt, because He knew how hard it was to not see sometimes.
Sometimes life just feels....really fast, and out of control and....dirty.
I have felt so tired the past couple of days. Moments of anxiety and just not feeling like enough. I don't have enough to give my children, I can't keep up with all the crazy details....and the 24 hour requirement of consistent parenting...it's just feeling a little impossible.
This week I had the sudden realization that I am just not....all in.
I want His nature in me. I want to step out in the water and feel the spray that makes me alive, and not be so cautious, and not miss out on a lot....not on a lot of things in life but on the utter joy of just being.
|No joke, this was the pose Aquaman assumed when I asked to take his picture....long week with preteens I guess....|
|There's my little boy back :)|