It's a new year, and I found myself actually enjoying putting away the Christmas decorations on December 31st.
I've been waiting to write this new year post. Longing for some sort of writing revelation. A way to put the deep-down knowing feeling into words, but it hasn't come.
The sheer volume of pictures from the flurry that has been this past 2 weeks intimidates me. But how can I choose which ones are best, when each one tells the story, in between the temper tantrums and cleanup?
I went back and read my last years' new years' post for revelation.
To read through the bible.
I did that.
To remember the important, when faced with the urgent:
I had quite a few panic attack inducing slip ups in the department, but overall, I let God remind me when I was losing my way.
I did, many times, forget that it's when you most feel like you absolutely cannot take a break that you need to sit down and seek God. But toward Christmas time...I remembered.
I enjoyed my husband and his work this year. I measured his success in friends instead of paychecks- most of the time.
I didn't have time to read the posts from the whole year like I wanted to, but I skimmed them.
I saw how I went from heavy with pregnancy fatigue, to bright with glow of maternity leave and rock star newborn sleeper, to weary with holding an a hot little all night nurser and breaking up brother fights night and day.
I saw, between the lines of course, my struggles with selfishness, with discontentment, and with weariness.
I saw many many smiles,
because it was a truly happy year. Probably the happiest year of my life.
And now I am faced with the prospect of new resolutions.
And this year, I only have two, because- for the love- 3 little boys and 2 resolutions are enough.
1) I want to know Christ.
Want to experience Him, see His face. I want my heart to choose Life over all the many other things that compete for its attention.
I want to seek Him first, and not worry about the details.
And what does that look like? I don't know exactly, and I think it will probably evolve.
But I'm pretty sure it means that even though I am tossing and turning and getting up with kids all night, and even though sometimes I don't think I'll make it until bedtime if I do- I need to start getting up early in the mornings again.
2) I want to make the time to go on dates with my husband. Due to milk and babysitter issues, we just had our first date in 8 months this past weekend, and that was way too long, and it wasn't long enough to make up for all that time. Once a month needs to be a priority. We;re getting a calandar, and we're writing our dates in. Because.
It's going to be a really busy year, we're on the cusp of it, as surely as little Greystoke rocks eagerly on his hands and knees and does 360s from a sit and somehow gets his hands into things that seem way out of his reach.
I need to start my days with quiet study and prayer. Even if it means one less hour of sleep, and an extra cup of coffee.
I know that the fruit of it will be far more than one more hour of the little man grabbing at me in his sleep. Besides, I'm pretty sure he likes having the queen bed to himself anyway.
We soaked up the electric guitars in the Christmas Eve service, grateful that they drowned out the noise of three hyperactive little boys.
One sat and smiled on Papa and Noni's laps, and two, dressed like wise men, acted like maniacs hopped up on the excitement of the night before Christmas.
And I feel quiet certain that Jesus was smiling on all of them. Because I feel quite certain that he loves little boys and all of their energy, and that all of their fidgeting probably doesn't get on his nerves like it gets on mine sometimes.
We stayed up much too late and got up much too early, and Christmas was everything that it should have been with three small children in the house.
The Dude jammed mightily on his new guitar, and slept all night with it around his neck.
And later that day, he gave me a lovely present....
Aquaman said he really wanted a white Christmas this year, so he got shaving cream in his stocking.
And then, Christmas was over.
And the tree, which still smelled heavenly because JT did such a great job watering it, was out on the curb, and the stockings and garlands and lights were stuffed in bags and boxes.
But I left the lights up around the boys' bunk bed, because I've grown to love reading to all of them by the light of it. Me and three boys snuggled up in The Dude's bed, all of our heads on the same body pillow.
Most nights, Greystoke falls asleep too, nursing on the other side.
This is where we all were on January 1st 2015.
It was a new year, but it didn't feel much different than any other night.
Aquaman requested the Jesus Storybook Bible, like he always does, for his two stories. And this time he picked the last two.
I've found myself struggling with it, and almost wanting to back off. I don't want to push him into anything. I want his relationship with Christ to be a real and personal experience.
Which is one thing I have always loved and admired about him. He has no desire to borrow my personal experiences. He deeply longs to have his own.
But just a few days prior, I felt Jesus tell me suddenly, in the car on the way to work: "let the little children come to Me."
But it wasn't until I started in on the last page that I realized Aquaman was coming today.
For anyone who believes what Jesus said Asher: "I believe what He said!"
For anyone who will just reach out to take it Asher: "I want to take it!"
Then God will give them this wonderful gift:
To be born into
A whole new Life Asher ("I want a whole new life!")
To be who they really are
Who God always made them to be -
Their own true selves -
Aquaman has many many times verbally expressed his belief in Jesus. He has always been very painfully aware of the price and depth of his sin.
But this time, I knew.
This time, I couldn't stop the tears, but I also couldn't stop reading either.
When I finished the page, I turned to Aquaman and asked if he was ready to ask Jesus to forgive him for his sins, to turn away from them, and to follow Jesus, but I already knew the answer to my question.
And like the little child that he is, he came to Jesus. With his simple faith, in his own Aquaman way, he was reborn at the age of 6, and I was blessed enough to be there.
We read about how we should love our brothers, and turn the other cheek when they are mean, and the next day I came upon The Dude pounding on the door to their bedroom, telling Aquaman to open up. When Aquaman came to the door, I saw his Bible sitting on the rocking chair, open.
He said The Dude was trying to hit him, so he barricaded himself in there so that they wouldn't fight.
That night, we read about how when we pray, we should go into a closet and not parade our prayers in front of others, and Aquaman said "that's what I do, mom. That's how I pray."
I look at him differently now. A brother, and not just a son.
And my tired, mother heart has found strength and encouragement in the beginning of this new and busy year.
Because despite all the things I messed up in 2014, all the opportunities that just blew by, God's grace was enough.