I've seen how discouraged you've felt this week. I've longed to gather you under my wings, but you wouldn't let me. I've heard your thoughts: that you're failing at all of these things that you're doing. I've heard the condemnation, and it hurts that you thought it was from Me.
I don't see you that way. I don't see the old you. You are My new creation.
There are so many messages out there about how to be good enough, and your head has been spinning, looking back and forth, reading all that you can, taking it in until you are exhausted and empty, and don't want to try anymore, but can't seem to stop trying.
Be still. You are enough. Though your sins were like scarlet, now they are as white as snow. You are my beautiful bride. I am pleased with you.
I know that details are difficult for you. That you have trouble remembering things. And that it's hard to get organized, and that trying to keep up with being a good wife, and managing 2 jobs, and 3 kids and 2 different schools, and your home leaves you always feeling like you've forgotten something, and you usually have, but I want you to know that this is a gift from Me, and not a curse. You can't do it all, and you don't pretend that you can, and I love to see that in you. I don't love you more when you have it all together, and I don't love you less when you forget. Humble yourself, be ok with yourself. I will lift you up like I always have.
I saw you this week with your children. You love them so much, but you worry about them. Your older boys are forgetful too, they are very very active and they've needed more than the average child since the day they were born, and what you give them never seems to be enough.
Your older son told you this week that he doesn't have any friends. He was looking at you to see if you were ok with that.
Be ok with that.
I knit him together in your womb. I've known the path his life will take since before he was formed, and I have good plans for him. Do you see how he's been falling asleep every night with his Bible in his hands?
Let me work.
I was watching you in the urgent care clinic when you told The Dude that it was Aquaman's turn, and, like he has been doing a lot of lately, he blew up into a tantrum of epic proportions. He was trying to hit you, and kick you, and bite you, and was screaming at the top of his lungs, and everyone was staring at you. He's been doing a lot of that kind of thing lately, and at home it is something you can deal with, but in public...it's really really hard. Especially when you have a baby on your hip and an older child to take care of.
You did fine, mom. And I know you felt really bad about how you wanted to just pick him up and squeeze him, but the thing is: you didn't do it. You stood back and you did your best to keep him from hurting anyone including himself, and you kept your cool.
And you know that paramedic who called you back while he was still raging? The one who smiled and said he had 4 kids of his own, and who went and got The Dude a blue crayon, because a blue crayon was really important to him?
And you know that lady behind you at the pharmacy who told you what well behaved kids you had, and you kept thinking "if you had just SEEN them an hour ago..."
They were gifts from me.
I've seen how lately you've been so overwhelmed that even the happy little baby that I gave to you is a source of condemnation in your heart.
You've been thinking that the reason I gave you such an easy going baby, who doesn't even cry during an ear infection, is because you needed a child that you couldn't screw up, since you're failing so badly with your other two.
But I'm here to tell you something different.
He is a gift to you. A message of help to you. That I see you, that I love you, and that I want to give you good things. I love to give you good things.
Did you see in the bathtub last night when Aquaman got mad at The Dude and splashed his hand down in anger, how Greystoke burst into the most melodic of giggles, and for one of the first times you have ever seen, Aquaman came instantly out of his anger and burst into his own?
Greystoke is a gift to Aquaman and The Dude too. Even though right now, he is requiring a little more attention. Even though they don't always get the one on one you want to give them.
Your other two are gifts too, and I know you know that. I gave them to you because you are the best mother I could find for them.You will help Me accomplish My will in their lives. And with their sensitive hearts and determination, know that their lives will leave an impact in this world for Me.
You're not a perfect mom, and sometimes you let them watch more television than is generally recommended, and sometimes you take them out for ice cream, and you don't even enjoy that like you should, because you've been so trapped in guilt lately, and you think maybe you shouldn't be letting them have any sugar, and it's probably going to ruin them, and that's why they're so crazy.
But I tell you that it's ok to celebrate sometimes. That I even ordained celebrations with choice food and sweet drinks, and that it's ok to lighten up a little
Speaking of which, how about that new kitchen you got last week? Your old counter tops were starting to leak and mildew was growing under them. It was time for some new ones. It was a hard week, taking care of 3 little boys without a kitchen, but it was worth it, wasn't it? But somehow, even that made you feel guilty. It was a Christmas gift, not something that you paid for for yourself, and so when you look at it, you feel like you don't deserve it. And even if you did pay for it, you wonder if you should be having a new kitchen when some people don't even have kitchens, or even food.
It was a gift from Me. Everything you have is, everything everyone has. And I want you to enjoy your gifts. What if your little boys felt guilty every time they played with their new trucks and blocks? Wouldn't that break your heart? You give them gifts for their enjoyment, and I give you the same kind of gifts. You spend so much time in there, and you're the only princess in a house full of boys who break everything they touch. Look around at the pretty. It's from Me. You needed some.
Give your kitchen back to Me, and you will see what I will do with it.
I know that you want to do everything the best that you can, and that you want to do it all. I see you reading mom blogs and searching Pinterest for the best activities for your kids, and ways that you can lead them in the right direction. I've seen you sneak a peek at the nurse practitioner requirements on college websites. I love your ambition.
My plan for you is not to be the perfect home schooling mom of 6 kids. My plan for you is not a big successful career.
Just stay with me, just take it one day at a time. Work hard, and be content where you are. Then, like you can already do now, you can look back over your life and realize that it WAS good, it was big. It was small things done nobly.
It was a sweet smelling sacrifice to Me.
One last thing. I know that sometimes you go to bed and you still feel hungry and thirsty, but you're so tired that you have to just go to sleep. I know that getting that tooth of yours fixed these past couple weeks has seemed like an insurmountable task when you add up the cost and the coordination of child care and the time you don't seem to have. I want you to know that you're worth it. I know you haven't felt like you are, but you are.
You have given up a lot of things that are important to you in order to be the mother I have called you to be, and that is ok, you won't regret it. But sometimes you need to take a break and let Me, and others, minister to you too.
Most importantly- go outside sometimes. By yourself. I know that's where You've always felt me best. In the quiet, with the wind in your hair. That's our special time together. That's where I have always whispered My Love to you.
You are a wife, you are a mother, and you are a nurse. But most of all, you are My child. And you need My comfort, and My encouragement. You are always seeking My instruction, but you know from being a parent yourself that it your relationship with Me has to come before those things. Otherwise My instructions will overwhelm your heart like they have been.
I love you. I know it's hard down there. I care, and I'm here, and I'm sending help today. When you start to forget like you sometimes will, remember who you are.