Sunday, October 6, 2013
Headaches are becoming a frequent occurrence.
But mostly, I am just barely putting one foot in front of the other, and that's why it's hard to write right now. Because when I am not actively giving the boys some attention, or struggling to make or clean up meal after meal, or putting away the laundry, I don't feel like I can sit up. I have to lay down. It's very strange, and I'm glad first trimester is almost over. I remember some older lady at church remarking to me when I had to sit down during first trimester: "oh, honey, you are going to be in trouble if you already have to sit down!" I don't even remember who it was, but I still don't like her. It was my first pregnancy, and it totally scared me.
But now I know better. First trimester just stinks. And there's nothing wrong with sitting down a lot through it.
The evenings are the only time when it doesn't all feel like a colossal joke. The Dude and Cozy and I take our walks without even breaking a sweat, and the clouds swirl around in a perfectly Halloweenish way.
And then you remember that you won't be pregnant anymore.
I know with 3 one of them is going to feel left out sometimes. But the truth is, there is always somebody who's going to be weird. And then at least they'd have another brother to go play with until it's over and the other one starts being weird.
JT says he's just glad we can't choose, and I have to agree. The child we get is going to be the one that is perfectly planned for our family. To be a part of shaping all of us into exactly who we are supposed to be.
I struggle through the day, to do one thing that really feels like it matters. To not just feel like I'm getting by.
I've been working a little less lately due to our parents' going on vacation, and it has been nice.
On Thursday evening, JT took the boys so that I could go and visit one of my clients for my 2nd job.
I found him sitting on the porch drinking coffee after dinner, and he greeted me like a long lost friend. When I left to visit him, I felt tired and like it was just one more thing to do. When I left his presence, I felt refreshed, and like I had just done something I really wanted to do, but hadn't even known it.
As I was walking away, he took my hand and said "God bless you, wherever you go."
I thought about that all the way home. I thought about him, and I prayed for him, and I thought about how life felt a little more in perspective.
But it wasn't until the middle of the night, out of the blue, when I heard those words again, and I heard God say: "that was for you."
And I cried. Because I realized that right now, I don't feel very loveable. I don't feel productive or worthy or beautiful at all right now. And God said: "I see you, and I see how you're struggling. And it's ok. I love you."
I didn't feel frustrated at all when I saw that paper though. All I felt was love. For the boy who is the youngest child in the whole school, who is trying so hard to do what he is supposed to do, but occasionally tears up a little when he talks about how hard it can be to sit down and do his work.
That's how God's loving me right now, I can feel it.
I put that homework up on the refrigerator, because I don't care if Aquaman gets all the answers right. I don't care if he gets all the answers right, or even any of them.
All I look at when I see that paper is: my boy. That's my boy.
He's struggling a little bit with all these new responsibilities and with his new role in life, and I love him in the struggle.
Posted by Joy at Sunday, October 06, 2013