Friday, September 20, 2013

8 weeks and 3 days

I try not to wish any days or weeks, or even moments away. But I'm starting to wish away the 1st trimester. Miraculously, somehow, I have not even vomited yet, but around 50 times a day, I come really close, and I never really feel quite right. It hit hard last week. Followed by a terrible back ache. Which I later traced to a pulled muscle from taking the paddleboard out on my knees on Sunday. But when it was happening, I was sure that something was going wrong with the baby.
2 days later I was at the doctor's office getting an ultrasound. There was a long pause when the picture came up on the screen. And quiet. And focus. He got up really close to the screen. When he finally spoke, he said "well, I'm sorry." I'm sure it was only seconds, or milliseconds before he spoke next, but in that time I had an eternity of wondering: "is this how you find out your baby has died? 'well, i'm sorry.', and that's it?"
But that wasn't it. His next words were "you're NOT having twins. I thought I saw 2 heads."
When I told him that I was twin, he looked again for a few more minutes, then finally announced. "Nope, just One. 1.5 inches and a strong heartbeat, just what we like to see." Then he handed me a cryptic picture of a tiny beautiful blob named "Fetus A" and said he'd see me in 4 weeks.

Maybe he'll just be double the fun.

How 1.5 inches could make you feel the way I feel lately is quite beyond me. I long to go to bed after 8:30 without feeling completely panicky again. I wish I could organize some clothes, or even adequately clean the floors. I want to take The Dude for a stroller ride around the block in the newly cooling off evenings without feeling like I'm going to pass out. 

But alas, for now we are on a mission to just get by. To enjoy and live fully our days, but with lower expectations. Today we had peanut butter and honey crackers for lunch. The boys are watching a little extra Netflix instead of doing something Pinteresting.

Yesterday, Aqauman came home from school with the announcement: "lots of my friends threw up in school today, even my best friend Ryan. I didn't see it, but they did it in the trash can in the bathroom."
If those are not the very words you never want to hear from your child, and especially when you already feel like you're going to puke all day, I don't know what is.

So today he had his 5 year old checkup and then I kept him home the rest of the day. I figured, on the off chance that he somehow avoids it from yesterday, I could keep him from being exposed to what's sure to be more vomiting today. He's excited about a "day off", and he and the Dude have mostly been playing well together (though I just had to pull a rabid Dude off of Aquaman as he was pulling hair)

I feel anything but eloquent lately. My brain is completely fried. I would much rather be laying down upstairs right now than trying to fit my scattered and weary thoughts into words, but I want to remember them.

I want to remember the way the salt laden air and the pinking sunrise pulled me out of myself for just a few minutes.

And the way it felt to say to God, though I haven't had much to say lately: "I'm yours. My totally messed up feeling body, and my foggy brain, and this tiny inch and a half little life that never feels quite safe yet, even after I saw that simple little heart beat on the screen at the doctor's office. I'm yours even if we all end up catching the norovirus and I don't sleep or eat for the next 3 days, and you know what? I'm not even going to hate it, because really, there's nothing to hate. Everything is just really really ok."

And there are really great parts of these wishing away days. Like already dug enormous holes at sunrise on a Sunday morning, left just for us.

A 5 year old boy who is gaining weight after all, and learning to swim with his arms out, and getting braver on a surfboard, and memorizing several bible verses a week, and making a best friend at kindergarten.

A family that just goes together. Fits together like these perfect little puzzle pieces even when we're tired and working too much and pulling each others' hair.

Feeding the fish together after school and watching the frenzy (not just the fish!)

Monster truck races

Rainy turtle sightings.

And muddy bare feet.

Exploring the "jungle" together
Doing homework.
Maybe it's not so much that I'm wishing these days away because they're so very terrible, but because I know so many wonderful things are coming behind them. Like fall. Like 2nd trimester, when you can cook without hypersalivating and hyperventilating. The coming day when you can stop calling the baby "it", but it can still stay tucked inside of you for a while.

But for now we're just making the most of our days, and trying to stay cool, and trying to keep the house from completely falling apart, and trying to go to bed as soon as the kids are asleep, and trying to go on a date once in a while so for a few minutes I don't have to be a nurse or mom or even a pregnant lady, but just a girl spending time with the man that I love.

The man that has been a part of all of my dreams coming true in ways that we would never have imagined, in a much messier way, but in the end the mess is really what makes the beauty shine through. And what makes the quiet thoughtful moments that come few and far between the general chaos mean so much.

These pictures, they aren't what our life is really like (well, maybe the mud puddle ones are). These are the in betweens of the everyday, but that's why I spend so much time behind the camera lens. It's those in between moments that I'll cling to someday.

And what I hope my children will someday say was what really mattered to them.

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