The pace of life has left little room for meaning. I'm looking for a quiet room in my thoughts. An organization. But it seems to be only a certainty. A vague knowing.
"Where else would I go?"
I read that word yesterday, and realized that this is the way I feel.
At first, that made me feel guilty, until I decided that there is really nothing wrong with being weary.
It is not a symptom of faithlessness. It is a symptom of my humanity.
But Jesus said, "Someone did touch Me, for I was aware that power had gone out of Me."
I am struck by the fact that even Jesus was drained by His ministry.
When a woman touched Him, and was healed, He felt power go out of Him.
I can relate.
I think I've decided to just be ok with this stage of weariness in my life right now. There is no lack of hope. No lack of faith in God's provision for my daily needs. Only a slowing in my continued movement.
My house is a little dirtier, but my children are a little happier. There is something about my own weariness that increases my compassion. Maybe it's just easier to sit down in a chair and cuddle the baby with the runny nose who doesn't feel good, when you are also tired down to your very bones. Or maybe it's just easier to understand another's weakness, when you are so close to your own.
Only frail, and waiting for the sudden burst of energy.
I know it will come.
"Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint."
For now, I'm waiting in the silence. Knowing that He's there, and that He wants me to want Him. To seek Him. To know Him more.
He loves us too much to leave us as we are, and so we change. So life changes. We don't try to keep up or figure out where we're going, we just try to keep going.
It's hard to struggle, and it's hard to watch people we love struggle. It has been very difficult watching JT adjust to the changes in his life since his injury...even though this is likely such a temporary change. It brings up so many questions. Questions that will probably never have their answer here in this world, and thus are not worth dwelling on.
A few nights ago, I woke up to go to the bathroom, and looked down at my youngest son...sleeping peacefully, full of his warm milk. I asked God: "why? Why did you bring him here to struggle?"
I knew, even as I was asking it, that it was a pointless question. But somehow, asking it, brought me closer to Him, and to the comfort of His heart. That's where I am today.
Asking "where are You?" Knowing that He is there. Right in the middle of it, in the dirt, and the grime and the things we don't understand.
He may be silent today.
But He cares. He knows. And He's working.