This seems to be pretty par for the course these days, and is the reason why I don't have much of anything profound to say this week. My brain is almost completely fried. Which works out ok on the weekends, since taking care of a 19 month old and 4 year old does not require a lot of strenuous brain exercise. Patience, yes, which can be a little shorter on less sleep. But then again, with all the extra time I've had in less sleeping, there IS more quiet time with God to get an extra supply of it.
The workweek is a little harder, since it's more difficult to hide the spacey look in my eyes, and since there are some critical thinking skills required. But, it's also easier to be compassionate, and as I found myself sitting in my office listening to a mother and her 16 year old son relate the difficulties in their lives this week, I found myself frequently near tears. I'd like to think it is the softened heart of one who is in tune with the heart of God. But I know some of it is just being so close to my own frailty.
Life at work and at home have reached a severe dichotomy. I still love my job. My co-workers probably think I'm crazy, but it's true. I am so glad I spent years bouncing from one job to another and didn't listen to people who wondered if I was afraid to committing to one thing. I just hadn't found my place yet. I have now. The money isn't as much as I could be making elsewhere, but I feel like it is just where I am supposed to be.
I know part of it is the frequent exposure to the pain of others, which seems that it is just getting worse every day. It reminds me that my difficult days, like when everyone is crying at once, JT is working constantly, and I am exhausted are just...awesome.
It's a constant reminder of how lost this world is, and how important it is to be pointing out the answer. Because it's not just the problems that are so painful to see. It's the lack of answers and meaning and understanding in the eyes of those around me.
Problems and pain and sickness and death and poverty are difficult, but they are not the end and they do not have to be devastating. I think this is why God has been getting me up so early these days. And thank you to Barney who has kept my kids quiet each morning and allowed me those precious quiet moments to draw close to my Savior.
I figure with the many less hours that my children sleep than the average child, even with an extra hour of television, they still have plenty of hours in the day for more constructive activities.
Life at home remains amazing, which is why I realize more and more every day, that I am not supposed to be at home full-time. It is too easy for me to get caught up and happy and self-centered at home. Making pumpkin muffins and reading books and teaching my kids to boogie board. Which is fine when it's 4 days a week, but probably not the full purpose of my life.
I love it though.
JT has been incredibly busy, working and swimming and interviewing. We'll see what comes of it. We don't know his number on the hiring list yet, and if it's number 10, probably nothing has come of it. It is entirely in God's hands, and the verse God has given me in all of it has been this:
"Do not be conformed any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what the will of God is. His good, pleasing, and perfect will."
God has a good, pleasing, and perfect will for JT, and for our family.
But one thing I know, and will always know. I am a very blessed woman to be married to this wonderful man. Whose heart is always to do the will of God. Who adores his children and is already so accepting of them, incredibly nurturing and affectionate, and who makes me feel every day that I am as beautiful as the day we met.
In other news, our kitchen cabinets are completed, and we are thrilled with the results!
JT had the brilliant idea to turn the unused balcony into a playroom now that the weather is nice, and the boys have had a blast out there.
The Dude seems to be growing up rapidly. He speaks several new words every day, and his new thrill is the big boy swings. For 15 minutes at a time.
He is neverendingly into something, but is so happy about it that it's hard to get upset. He is rarely offended by discipline, which makes him MUCH easier to teach than his ultra-sensitive brother.
Aquaman was off of school yesterday and thrilled to spend the whole day with me and The Dude and Baby A. Until he realized how jealous it made him that I was holding and looking at another baby. You'd think it would be the little one who would be jealous, but no. My oldest son is definitely my clingiest. It can get a little sweaty and exhausting.
But I kind of doubt he'll be fighting for my lap when he's 12, so for now I'm trying to enjoy it. I can't believe what a boy he's turning into.
"All I know is I'm not home yet, this is not where I belong. Take this world and give me Jesus, this is not where I belong."
Aquaman has been repeatedly telling me lately that he plans to go to heaven when he's 4 and not get any older. I have to admit, this is a little unnerving to a mother, but I know what he means. I've been taking a 10 minute break at work in the mornings and taking a walk around the building to clear my head lately, and the other morning, I couldn't help but smile as I caught a glimpse of the October clouds. This is why I love October in Florida. The way the air is a little drier. The way the wind blows like crazy. The way the clouds look just right for the return of Jesus. Like He's peeking right over, on the verge of it.
" After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. Therefore encourage one another with these words."
-1 Thessalonians 4:17-18